Originally written in December 2019

Once I loved a boy, and a dear friend he was to me. I thought so many things about him. 
I thought he loved me and I suppose he did in the way he knew how. 

But this love that drew me in and tied me up in every way wasn't love at all---I don't think.

It couldn't have been. 

This love told me what I wanted to hear 
and even what I didn't. 

I made excuses for it all because 
I thought I understood him best of all. 

I knew him.
His soul--I thought I saw it. 

His heart--I thought I had it. 

My heart was his from the moment he told me 
I was different than all the rest.

I was special. 
Who doesn't want to hear that they're special? 

So long I had lived feeling unseen 
for the truest of me's, 
but into my life walks this boy 
who saw the depths of me. 

His words defined me. 

His words gave me courage. 

I felt like I was standing on top of the world, 
ready to fly.

But looking back now I don't understand who I am to be if every word spoken is now dusted with deceit. 

This boy left his mark on me. 

I wish it wasn't true but now everyone I meet holds this same mark of dark, ugly deceit.

They look at me wondering who I could be, but my hearts too fragile to be seen.

Should I tell them? Let them in?

I'm unsure that I want you to see. 
It's taken such a long time to find the real me and if you come in, I don't want you to leave. 

This trust is fragile. 
Shaky indeed. 

Will you love me for me?