Most people would probably describe me as a joyful gal, and I think that’s true. My heart is deeply rooted in the hope of knowing that one day I will see my Savior face to face. Oh, how my soul longs for that day!

But longing for heaven does not erase the aches of earth.

There are many days when I’m talking with the Lord and feel this overwhelming ache in my heart—to be face to face with Him, yes, but also to no longer feel the grief of unmet earthly desires. For some reason, I imagined that the older I got, the easier it would be to be single… or in reality, I simply didn’t think it would be something I would have to be for long. I thought I would only become more joyful and content in my circumstances, yet I have found that time has not dulled my desire to love and be loved. If anything, time has only emphasized and expanded my desire to make a home with someone.

Now my thirtieth birthday is right around the corner and despite my best efforts my love life is lackluster and often complex. I continue to watch those around me receive what I desire, and it continues to bring me back before the Lord, asking, Why not me?

Thankfully, I think I’m beyond the seasons of being angry with God or having some false sense of entitlement.

For many years the inner dialogue was: “Well, I’ve done everything right, so I deserve a romantic relationship”.

HA.

Then after lotsss of mistakes, the inner dialogue became: “Well, obviously the Lord is withholding this from me because of something I’ve done or need to do”.

Now, I must admit, I have no clue why this is my reality except to say that it just is. My prayer these days is begging the Lord to help me be content in it, because I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong–life has so much joy and goodness in it, but on the days when it feels like everyone has plans with their person and I’m on my own, the desire to love someone and be loved weighs heavily on my heart. All I know to do is to metaphorically place this desire at the feet of Jesus.

I ask Him to help me focus this desire on other areas of my life. Whether it’s mentoring younger women or being more intentional with my mom friends, and so on, I ask that those relationships would help dull the unmet desire in my heart. Ultimately, I ask the Lord to help my heart and mind know that He is more than enough, while not shaming myself for having a desire for love that IS good.

The hardest mental battle with this at times is not letting the lies make a home in my heart:

No one wants me.
I’m no one’s first choice.
It’s because I’m too much or not enough.
Not skinny or pretty enough, too annoying, not athletic enough, immature, not funny…

It all falls under the same core lie: I am not enough.

My mind tells me that rejection is some indicator of my worth as a person. I wonder if it’s possible for rejection to not hurt? Let me know if you find out.

I don’t know if there’s some grand lesson in all of this that the Lord is trying to teach me, but I’m about ready to tell Him I need a summer break if that’s alright with Him. My resilience and patience are wearing thin.

The past few weeks as my heart has been discouraged by wondering if my hope has been misplaced in waiting for a relationship to happen, there’s only been one thing I’ve heard from the Lord:

“You are loved by me. I want you”

Those words may seem simple to you, but they had me flat on my face, heart knocked out of my chest.

The Lord wants me!

Every single person in my life could turn away from me, shut the door in my face, and the Lord would still be there. Waiting patiently for me. Looking at me, with no pity in His eyes, but with compassion and kindness, a love so overwhelming and unbelievable that I don’t feel worthy of receiving it.

I can feel His invitation to look Him in the eyes and see the truth in His gaze, and my shame and insecurity pull my eyes to the floor.

“You want me, Lord?”

“Yes.”

“How can this be?”

“I made you. I know you. I love all of you”

Sitting here, writing this, I’m unraveled by the love of the Father for me.

It’s unfathomable. I don’t know that I’ll ever fully understand it. Even when I don’t know how to receive it, the Lord is persistent and steady in His love for me.

I know that one day when I physically stand before Him, all of these desires that have taken up hours of my thoughts and tears will no longer matter. In the presence of the Father my soul will be fully satisfied, thirsty no more, for I have living water.

Being single is hard when it’s not what you want. Yet, the Lord is still good and present, and for that I’m thankful.

I wish I could say that I knew what my future holds. I wish I knew whether this life has a romantic relationship in store for me or if I need to settle down into life as a single person. Maybe ten years from now I’ll look back on these years of my life–sprinkled with yearning, loss, and unmet desires–and they will feel like distant memories.

My hope in sharing my thoughts here is that you can find some solace in sitting with the unanswered questions. I love a prettily tied bow, but sometimes life is just a pile of knotted up strings that I’m trying to untangle, trusting that at the end of it all, Jesus will make all the mess so much clearer.

So that leaves us where we started: my heart longing for the day when I will see Jesus face to face, my tear-stained face holding only joy and wonder at the sight of my Savior.